What I would give
by mercywestforever
Summary: When Jackson finally realizes that April is the one for him he does his best to stop the wedding in time but what awaits him in the barn is definitely something he never saw coming. / AUJapril, set in 10x12 and then some
1. to hold you in my arms

Hey, I'm new here! Some of you may already know me from tumblr and those might already know this story but I'll be posting it here as well and add new chapters when it's time! So anyway enjoy this little story!

******Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters mentioned. All the rights to them and Grey's Anatomy belong to shondaland and ABC. **

* * *

He was out of breath as he hurried into the barn. It had taken him quite some time to drive out to the little farm where the wedding took place. Honestly he was pretty lucky to even be here right now. Someone had left their invitation in the attending's lounge and without it he wouldn't have any idea where the wedding was. That was the downside to refusing to get invited in the first place.

On top of that a storm had started when he was halfway there. It had been raining in a way that he could barely see the street in front of him and he had been lucky that he was an experienced driver otherwise he wouldn't have been able to come here right now. The storm wasn't as bad as the one this summer though.

Thinking back to the storm reminded him of the intention for his coming. Back then he been too blind to see what was right in front of him. He had refused to give April a reason because he was confused and still hurt. And could you blame him? After all she had accepted another man's proposal only hours before and he was still pretty shaken by the explosion.

If he was honest with himself though it had never been that. Sure, there was the fact that she was officially Matthew's fiancée by then but he was never the kind of guy that would let something like that keep him from getting what he wanted as selfish as it sounded.

No, he had acted the way he did because April Kepner had broken his heart. He was never one to be open about his feelings but he had told April twice what he felt and each time she had stepped on his feelings like she didn't care.

The thing was that he knew April and he realized that she hadn't meant what she had said. That was the way she was. But even with that knowledge he couldn't forgive her. She had been the first woman since Lexie that he had let in and even though they were never in an official relationship she had meant way more to him than any of his girlfriends before. He had felt way more for her than for any of them.

Maybe that had been the reason why he was so stubborn and couldn't forgive her. April Kepner was the first woman to truly break his heart.

He had had weak moments in which he almost forgave her and wanted to start over but by that time Stephanie had come along. Whenever he felt like he was going to crave in and follow his desire to just be with April he reminded himself that he had a girlfriend now with whom things were easy and not hurtful. (He had only now realized that it was never supposed to be easy.)

So when April had asked him to give her a reason he wasn't able to give her one because a) he never really forgave her and b) he was still heartbroken and too afraid to get his heart out there again.

At some point he had really started to believe that he had moved on, not because he really had but because he told himself long enough that he did.

Last week things did change though. As he met April's sisters and the bridal shower took place in the hospital he suddenly realized that there was really going to be a wedding. Somehow he had managed to push the thought into the back of his mind until then. That was until one week before the actual wedding. His mind had been occupied with the inner battle that was going on inside of him after that that he barely registered that he broke off with Stephanie. And although he came clear about his feelings in the following week he only decided to actually stop the wedding an hour ago.

But now he was a man on a mission, determined to stop the wedding and confess his feelings to her hoping for the best. Honestly, he wouldn't be surprised if she chose Matthew and became happy with him. She deserved it. But he couldn't only stand by without trying one last time.

He really hoped that the ceremony hadn't started yet so that he wouldn't have to tell her that he loved her in front of a huge audience. That wouldn't keep him from doing it though.

Either way he would have never expected what awaited him when he entered the barn.

It was loud and everybody was fussing around. It was chaotic and he was sure that April would never allow something like this at her wedding. She was too much of a control freak for that. Nobody really noticed him although he was totally out of place. He was only in casual clothes and totally soaked from the short way he made from his car to the church.

He was somehow relieved when he spotted Grey and Karev standing together and talking. He quickly made his way over to his friends trying to act nonchalant. Not that anybody was paying attention to him.

"What is going on ?", he asked as he approached them.

When Meredith and Alex saw him they looked as though they had seen a ghost.

"What?", he said irritated. He had really no time to deal with whatever the two had on their mind.

Alex was the first one to break out of his trance "What are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to April. Where is she?", he didn't beat around the bush. He had wasted enough time.

"I was about to ask you the same question.", Meredith retorted visibly confused.

"What do you mean?",

"The wedding was cancelled. April left about 15 minutes ago. She was going to the hospital to talk to you."

* * *

Somewhere between a little farm and a hospital in Seattle a car lay upside down in a ditch a few meters off the road. The heavy rain that was falling made it nearly impossible to see it from the road especially if you weren't looking for it. Inside the car was a woman in a wedding dress which was no longer white. Her frantic eyes looked around for some sort of help as she was trapped in the metallic prison. There was only one person on her mind before her world went black.

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**Thank you so much if you read through this 3 It would be so awesome if you could leave me a review!**

**Stay tuned for more!**


	2. to see you again

You're only getting another update so soon because those chapters are already written and I'm just excited to get them up here :) This will definitely change once I will have to write new ones.

Thanks to everyone to left a review, followed or favorited :) It means a lot to me!

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters mentioned. All the rights to them and Grey's Anatomy belong to shondaland and ABC.**

* * *

He soon learned that the guests were staying in the barn although the bride left and the groom locked himself up somewhere because of the storm that was going on outside.

He couldn't stay. If Meredith and Alex were right and April was really coming for him then he wasn't going to discourage her by not being in the hospital. He knew April and he knew that albeit she was a fighter she was quick to change her mind especially when it came to her feelings.

He wasn't saying that her feelings changed but the fact whether she could speak them out loud.

And if she really chose him … well that was something he wasn't going to risk easily.

Before he reached his car a farmer, the owner of the location, stopped him. He gave him advices on how he would reach Seattle and avoid the road he took to come here because it was missing side rails and therefore became dangerous during the storm.

Although it would take a bit longer that way he followed the route the farmer described to him. He knew that April would never forgive him if he put his life in even more danger than he already was.

When he finally reached the hospital he decided on checking the attending's lounge first. Jackson expected that April would avoid the ER or any place where many people were because she was still wearing her wedding dress and didn't want to cause a sensation.

But the lights in the attending's lounge were turned off and the locker room was empty as well. As he stood in the doorway he tried to think about April's logic. If she was as determined as he was when he arrived at the barn she wasn't wasting time and would probably look directly for him.

The nurses were more than slightly surprised to see him when he approached the nurse station in the plastics ward. Apparently word spread quickly through the hospital that he was going to crash the wedding. Sadly, the nurses hadn't seen April since she left the hospital this morning.

After that he wandered around the hospital mindlessly. He checked every office, every patient room, every supply closet, everywhere where she might be.

Each time he found a room empty he began to doubt all of this more.

Sure, there was the possibility that she stopped by her apartment to change into something more comfortable before she presented him her heart but even if that was the case she should have been at the hospital by the time he arrived. After all she left the barn 15 minutes before him and he took the longer route.

Maybe she changed her mind. Maybe she realized that Matthew was the better choice, that he wouldn't hurt her, that he was going to make her happy. Maybe she chose the easy way and was by now on her way back to the barn, to her wedding. Maybe he was too late this final time, maybe they had already used all their chances up. Maybe it was finally over, a definite ending this time, no way back to being together, no together for them anymore.

Another possibility was that she never planned to come here and talk to him. Just because she cancelled the wedding with Matthew didn't necessarily mean that she chose him. After all he never gave her a sign that he still harbored feelings for her. For all she knew he was happy with Stephanie. He wasn't even sure if April knew that he broke things up with the resident. Maybe April didn't chose him but herself and was now somewhere to think about what was best for her and he hated to admit that that probably didn't include a romantic relationship with him. There was a high chance that Grey and Karev understood things in the wrong way or misinterpreted them and April never planned on seeing him.

In one final desperate attempt he made his way down into the ER. There was a lot going on because of the storm and you could see that a lot of the staff was missing. But there was no bride in the chaos.

He should have known it. There was probably never going to be a happy end for the two of them. April didn't leave her wedding to run back into his arms and tell him that she loved him. She didn't choose him, she didn't want him anymore.

He was about to leave and drown his heartbreak with some whiskey when he realized that he couldn't. He was the head of boars and his ER was in a chaos. He needed to step up and be the leader he always pretended to be. Almost all of their surgeons were stuck in a barn, their top two trauma surgeons missing from their ER right now. There was no way that he could leave.

Jackson got rid of his jacket as he tried to get an overview of the situation. There were mostly minor injuries and the interns and physicians were capable of taking care of them.

And then Exam Room 1 caught his eye. There were nurses and doctors of all kinds coming in and out of it. Their clothes were sprinkled with blood and they wore a desperate look. They were obviously in need of another doctor and he didn't hesitate as he made his way over.

He had almost reached the room when one of the nurses stopped him.

"Dr. Avery, what are you doing here?", he seemed to get this question a lot today.

"I'm here to help. What is going on there?", he said as he tried to push past her.

"Car crash, multiple injuries, severe blood loss.", she listed off automatically, "You can't go in there."

"Why not?", by the time he finished his question he had already made his way inside of the exam room. The sight that awaited him made his face pale and his heart speed up dramatically.

He had finally found the woman in the wedding dress.

* * *

A bit outside of Seattle a couple of surgeons were stuck in a barn because of a storm. They tried to make the best of their situation by eating from the delicious buffet, dancing to the music of the wedding band that played and enjoying the few peaceful moments they had together. When their pagers rang they ignored them due to the fact that they were off and because there was barely a way to reach the hospital right now. They probably would have reacted differently if they knew that the emergency patient was the runaway bride whose almost wedding they celebrated right now.

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**Thanks for reading! Please leave a review.**


	3. to wake you up

Three updates in three days! Don't get used to that! Thanks to everyone who read this Story, it means so much to me! Anyway, enjoy this chapter!

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters mentioned. All the rights to them and Grey's Anatomy belong to shondaland and ABC. **

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"Do you have any idea when he left the room the last time?", Derek asked as he approached his wife at the nurse station.

"No, but I made some nurse bring him fresh scrubs and he showered.", she replied looking into the room.

"He still looks horrible."

"Well you shouldn't be so sensible to him, it's not like he's going through enough as it is."

Jackson was pretty sure that they weren't aware of the fact that the nurse that had last checked on the woman in the bed beside him had left the door slightly open and he could therefore hear everything they were saying. He was still staring at the floor as he listened to their conversation.

His lips were resting against the cool hand that he was holding as though his life depended on it. He was sure it did.

One of his legs was nervously bouncing up and down while he heard how Meredith and Derek disappeared down the hall. He was pretty sure that their spot would be soon taken over by someone else. At least it has been that way the last couple of days ever since … he still couldn't fully wrap his mind around what happened.

While he had accepted the fact that April didn't choose him when he couldn't find her in the hospital that day he had never expected what really happened. After he practically stormed the exam room his world had stopped. He had been barely aware of the fact that some nurse tried to push him out of the room again and when he had finally snapped out of his trance he had desperately tried to help but the doctor in charge made him move out. He only now realized that that was for the better.

But back than he had been so frustrated that he trashed at least one desk chair. He had soon realized that the only thing he could do to help was getting as many world class surgeons to the hospital as possible.

Together with some ER nurses who had been as determined as him when they found out that the patient was their beloved April he had somehow managed to reach them at the barn. They had arrived just in time when April was prepared for surgery and took over.

It didn't look good. Her left tibia and fibula had been fractured and she had suffered several inner bleeding. What had been worst though were the cerebral hemorrhages and the severe concussion. Nobody knew how long she had been unconscious before she had been found.

Somehow she had been able to pull through the surgery which had been a miracle in itself. He was aware of the fact that she should be dead by now at least if you would go by the statistics.

During the dreadful hours he had spent waiting between Arizona and April's family her possible death had been constantly playing on his mind. He would have never forgiven himself if she would have died in an attempt to confess her feelings to him.

All of this wouldn't have happened if he hadn't been so blind.

Between April's almost wedding and her accident and this day lay 8 days by now. Although his colleagues had been able to stop all of the bleeding she hadn't woken up yet which meant that he had spent the last 8 days cramped in one of the armchairs that were standing beside the patients' beds. He wasn't going to leave until April herself told him so.

Her family had left by now, unable to watch their little girl in such a condition. He couldn't blame them, the sight was horrible. Ever since they boarded their plane they were constantly calling to check up. Until now there had been nothing worth reporting.

His head snapped up when he heard someone clearing his throat at the door. His eyes were met by the sight of Shane Ross timidly peeking into the room.

"Is there anything you want?", he asked slightly irritated. He was really not in the mood to bother with whatever Shane's problem was.

"Actually there is,", the resident said while straightening himself up, "I've got a patient and I was wondering whether you could help me out."

"I'm not working right now. Ask someone else.", he answered annoyed.

"No one else has time right now. You're the only option.", was Ross' immediate answer. It almost seemed as though he had expected him to react like that.

He found himself surprised with him when he actually started to ponder his response. His eyes flitted over to April who was unsurprisingly still motionless and as painful as it was he had to admit to himself that that wasn't going to change soon.

He pressed his lips against her knuckles before putting her hand beside her body tenderly. He sadly smiled down on her as he pushed himself up and started to walk towards the resident.

"So, who sent you? Karev or Robbins?", he asked as he took the file from Ross. Luckily the guy didn't pretend to be innocent and answered instead.

"Yang."

* * *

Even though Jackson would never admit it he felt actually better after treating the patient. He had missed working and he had been able to take his mind off for a few hours.

And while it had been a huge relief he couldn't wait to be at April's side again.

He never expected her to be awake when he turned. He knew better than to get his hopes up like that. He never expected to be let down like he was when her room came in sight either.

There was a huge chaos as nurses and doctors rushed into April's room. He was barely able to squeeze in his eyes glued to her heart monitor. "What happened?", he called over the mess. He was relieved to see that both Cristina and Meredith were on it already. It was the latter who answered him, "She suddenly went into cardiac arrest."

She wasn't able to explain the situation further when she was handed the pedals. He could only stand by as the people around him tried to save April's life.

Could it really be that this was the end? Was she actually going to die right now? No she couldn't! She was still way too young; her life was only now really beginning. She still had so many things ahead of her; they still had so many things to experience. She needed to wake up so he could tell her that he loved her and that he could marry her. They were supposed to buy a house and have kids and then they would grow old together. He couldn't do that alone. He needed her.

Jackson was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn't even notice that Yang and Grey had been successful; even more than so.

"Jackson", Meredith called out for him snapping his focus to her. He saw how the rest of the staff took a step back so he could reach the bedside. He was hesitant as he moved forward, confused about what was happening.

The frown disappeared instantaneously from his face when he saw how April's eyelids fluttered open. He instinctively grabbed her hand as her eyes flitted around the room, confusion and fear visible in them.

He squeezed her hand to gain her attention and started to explain things to her "April, look at me. You have been in a car accident. You had surgery and you were unconscious for the last 8 days but I'm here now. Everything is going to be okay."

Nobody would have ever prepared him for her response. She looked so fragile and scared and he was sure that you could hear his heart break.

"Who are you?"

* * *

A wave of joy swept through the halls when the surgeons of a hospital in Seattle got paged that day. None of them, not even the grumpiest ones, could hide the smile as they began to make their way towards the room that had counted the most visitors lately. They were flooded with relief because that page signalized that their dear friend and colleague had woken up from the arresting sleep she had been in. They wouldn't be so happy if they knew that she couldn't remember any of them.

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**So basically the last chapters have been building up to this! Please leave a review!**


	4. to understand it all

Sadly, this is the last chapter that is already written but posting it here and seeing how many People read and like it has definitely given me some Motivation! Thanks for doing that!

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters mentioned. All the rights to them and Grey's Anatomy belong to shondaland and ABC. **

* * *

"So basically she doesn't remember any of us?"

"Not at the moment, no."

"What do you mean at the moment?", Alex exclaimed. Right now he was the only one who was able to do something besides Derek who was trying his best to answer Karev's angry questions. The others were only standing at the nurse station staring unbelievingly into the room.

April was sleeping again. After receiving the page all of her friends had made their way over to her room and each and every of them had been shocked to hear that she wasn't able to recognize them. It had been exhausting for her after just waking up from an eight day coma and they had left her room so she could rest.

Now they were gathered around the nurse station discussing their next steps.

"We still have to make a few more tests."

"But she could regain her memory?", it may have seemed silly to anyone who wasn't in their situation that Alex was asking all those questions since he was a doctor himself but in moments like this they weren't doctors anymore but became the family and loved ones who were desperately trying to understand how something like this could happen.

In such a situation it was always important that someone kept a cool head and stayed a doctor. Right now it was Derek, "She could. There still so many things we don't know about the human brain."

Jackson sighed. He stood a bit back absently listening to the conversation, his eyes never leaving April's sleeping form.

Derek was right, huge parts of the way the human brain worked were still unexplored. That's why he never considered Neuro as his specialty. Sure, it had been interesting to do a few rotations there and he enjoyed cooperating with Derek because it usually meant extraordinaire cases but he needed the certainty that Plastics somewhat offered.

That the brain had surprising ways of working was proofed once again today. Because April, she still knew who she was. She remembered where she grew up, where she went to school and college, she remembered that she was a surgeon, still knew what the medical terms meant. When they informed her about the accident and her injuries they didn't need to explain what they meant because she still understood the medical language.

She simply forgot everyone she ever met.

That was the thing that made things even harder. She was still the same person. Even in the short time she had been awake he had been able to recognize her typical characteristics. She still was April, his April.

So when he looked at her he still saw the woman he loved. But when she looked back at him she saw a complete stranger.

"I can't listen to this anymore.", Jackson mumbled to no one in particular before he made his way back into the room. He knew that the others stared at him as he took a moment to look at April. Although there was still a bandage wrapped around her head and there were scars and bruises visible everywhere on her body she looked so peaceful. He couldn't help himself as he leaned down and kissed her on her forehead before he reassumed his place on the armchair.

* * *

He had no idea how late it was by the time he woke up in the middle of the night. When he looked outside he could see that the night shift had already taken over and that the lights in the hall were dim.

His eyes went automatically to check April status and he noticed that someone must have come in to give her her medication. That someone had probably also been the one who had draped the blanket over him.

He hadn't even realized how exhausted he had been but the day had been draining for him as well. His eyes drifted over April's body as the truth hit him.

She couldn't remember him; she couldn't remember how they met in their intern year and how they became friends. She couldn't remember how they grew closer and how they finally became so much more than friends.

But this wasn't only about him. April didn't recognize any of them; she had lost her memory of her friends. And the fact that broke his heart the most: she didn't remember Charles and Reed, her two best friends whose death still bothered her. She didn't know how they died, didn't remember the shooting and he may be grateful for that because those memories were still a burden for all of them.

Jackson reached out for her hand in desperate need for some comfort that only April could offer. She didn't wake up when he squeezed her hand and he was grateful for that because he needed a few moments in which he could try to pretend that none of that ever happened.

But even now his thoughts circled around the fact that April was suffering amnesia. And yet he couldn't help the little bit of hope that flared up inside him at the thought that she didn't lose her whole memory. No matter what that was a good sign and he, no all of them needed to cling onto this silver lining of hope right now.

* * *

Jackson slipped out of the room before April woke up the next morning. He kept himself busy with patients and the paperwork that was piled on his desk throughout the day while he knew that Derek was making tests with April.

The desire to check up on her was enormous but he wasn't sure whether he was able to face her when she didn't remember him.

He was about to go home for the first time in days when Derek walked up to him. He was smiling and before Jackson could say anything Sheperd told him, "She wants to see you."

"Does she have her memory back?", he exclaimed excited, hope bursting inside of him.

The way Derek's smile fell made it die immediately, "No, but she asked for you. She remembers you from yesterday and she would like you to stop by her room."

He tried his best to contain the disappointment because even though she still didn't remember him from before the accident she wanted to see him. She had asked especially for him and that something great. He just needed to keep telling himself that.

* * *

"Ohm…", he cleared his throat as he stepped into the room, "You wanted to see me?"

April looked up when she heard his voice smiling slightly. She looked better. She had regained some color and her beautiful smile made her seem healthier instantaneously.

"Yes,", she exclaimed excitedly and his stomach fluttered a little bit, "You're Jackson, right? Jackson Avery."

He only nodded as he took a few more steps into the room. He still couldn't understand the whole situation they were in. April had lost her memory and now she had asked to see him. She didn't remember him and yet she wanted to talk to him. He couldn't understand how they ended up here.

"Great…", she chewed on her lip in hesitation which made his heart soar, "I've been told that we used to be pretty close."

"You could say that.", he replied bitterly. April looked at him sadly and he got the feeling that she had been told more than she was admitting right now.

"Which means that you care for me?"

He nodded briefly as he waited for further explanation. She still had the ability to confuse him to no end.

"I wanted to ask you for a favor. I could totally understand if you said no given that this whole situation must be difficult for you as well."

"April, what is it?", he interrupted her smiling slightly. Some things never changed. She chewed on her lip once again before she asked him for something he never expected.

"Could you help me remember?"

* * *

In a hospital in Seattle a world-class Neurosurgeon was staring into a room. He was an excellent surgeon, decorated with various prizes and honors. He was a great surgeon, barely made any mistakes. He hadn't made a mistake when he had operated on his friend and colleague 9 days ago and yet she had woken up suffering memory loss. He had spent the whole day trying to figure out what went wrong but he came to no result which was why he could only stand there and watch as the guy who loved her tried to mask his pain.

* * *

**There will be a lot more Japril interaction in the next part so stay tuned for that. Please leave a review.**


	5. to make you remember

I'm so sorry that I haven't updated in forever! I promise that it will get better! Anyway, this chapter was quite hard to write and I hope that it trned out okay in the end!

It's a bit longer than the others, maybe that makes up for the Long wait.

Anyway, enjoy it!

******Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters mentioned. All the rights to them and Grey's Anatomy belong to shondaland and ABC.**

* * *

He smiled at a nurse who passed him as he carried the cardboard box through the halls of the hospital. Inside the box were various photo-albums that April had made over the years. Most of the times she had 'surprised' them with yet another one for their birthdays or the holidays. After the shooting both of them had clung to them desperately to keep the memories of their friends fresh. It took them sometime until they realized that they didn't need those albums to remember them because they would always keep those memories close to their hearts.

It hurt Jackson incredibly to know that that wasn't the case for April anymore.

He shook his head to get rid off thoughts like that as he rounded the corner and April's room came in view. It had been two days since she asked him to help her remember. Yesterday, he had told her things about their friends that were still around, most of them stopping by from time to time making it easier for April to associate the names and stories he told her with faces, actual persons.

Today he would tell her about their deceased friends since he would feel bad if he just left them out because they weren't alive anymore and hadn't been for a long time now especially since April had always made it a big deal to keep at least the memories of them alive.

For his mission today the albums came in handy since they pretty much documented their friendship since the very first day of their residency.

Jackson stopped right in front of April's room taking a deep breath trying to prepare himself although he knew that his heart would break anyway when he stepped into the room.

Spending the day with her yesterday had been harder than anticipated. Don't get him wrong; he enjoyed every minute he got to spend with April but at the same time it was heartbreaking to sit beside the woman he loved while she couldn't remember him at all.

Anyway, he put on a smile as he entered her room. April was sitting up reading in her red little notebook. His heart soared at the sight. That it was red was totally coincidence. April had simply asked the nurses to bring her a notebook so she could keep track of the information he gave her. She was completely unaware of the significance it had which reminded him once again of the cruel situation they found themselves in.

"Hey," he called out softly as he sat down the box on the table at the end of her bed. She looked up at him smiling scooting over a bit o he could sit down beside her feet.

"Hey," she replied softly. Although her physical condition was getting better day by day she still needed to stay in the ICU and was monitored 24 hours a day "What's in the box?" she asked excitedly and he had to smile at her enthusiasm.

"I brought a little surprised for you today," he told her as he pulled the box towards him. April sat up a little bit straighter trying to catch a glimpse of whatever he brought with him causing him to laugh.

"Easy there," he teased her as he took out the first album. He opened it and had to swallow hard as he looked own at the front page. It had written 'The Fantastic Four- The Beginning' in bold letters across it. That had been Charles' idea who had always been a bit of a nerd and April had happily picked it up. Beneath the writing was a photo of the four of them. It had been taken about a month after they started their internship when they had really become friends. If he was honest with himself he had admit that they had a rather tough start. Charles and Reed had already been a team since they had known each other before and were pretty skeptical towards the other two and April had been... let's say overwhelming at the beginning. It had taken them some time to trust each other and even longer to become true friends but once they were they were almost inseparable.

In the picture they were standing in front of Mercy west Medical Center in their hideous orange scrubs. Jackson still remembered that day vividly. A lot of the attendings had stayed at home that day because of a stomach flu that was going around in the hospital and the four of them were pretty much the ones that were in charge of the ER due to the lack of surgeons.

It was the first time Jackson had felt like a real doctor.

April had insisted on taking a photo to have a reminder of the successful day. They looked rather tired but they were all wearing huge grins, their arms thrown around each other.

"Who is this?" he was snapped out of his haze by April who had moved a bit so she would get a better look at the photo.

He cleared his throat to get rid of the lump that had formed there "Those are Reed Adamson and Charles Percy. They were in our intern group."

"Oh, that makes sense," April commented and he furrowed his brows in confusion.

She laughed lightly at his expression before she explained her logic "No offense but we long way younger in that picture."

He couldn't help but chuckle at her statement because as much as he hated to admit it it was true, they did look younger.

"We started our intern year at Mercy West which later merged with Seattle Grace which was renamed to Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital less than a year ago," he explained to her as he continued to stare down at the picture. April took her notebook and wrote everything down.

"It took us some time but we were pretty close, helped each other out more than once. You actually shared an apartment with Reed," he continued flipping the page over to reveal a photo of Charles, Reed and April proudly holding a chart. He had opted to take the picture.

"If we're so close why haven't they shown up yet?" Jackson sighed when she asked that. He had known that a question like this would come but it was still very hard to tell her what happened.

"There was a Shooting at the hospital in our third year of residency," he began unable to look at April's shocked expression "Charles and Reed died that day."

The sound that April let sounded like a sob and when Jackson looked up he saw how tears pooled in her eyes. He reached out to put a comforting hand on her wrist as she covered her mouth with the other hand.

"I'm sorry. I don't know why this is hitting me so hard," she told him her voice muffled by her hand. It took him a few moments before he realized that maybe it was so hard on her because she did remember the shooting and their friends subconsciously.

He simply continued to stroke her wrist while she calmed down. She took a few more deep breaths before she said "I want you to tell me everything about them."

* * *

"How's it going?" Derek asked as he walked into April's room to check her vitals.

"Well, I learned today that you had a wife who cheated on you ," April announced happily as he smiled down at her.

"Telling her the important stuff I see, Avery," Derek said while he laughed lightheartedly directed at Jackson who was sitting in a chair beside April's bed. It had been five days since she had woken up by now and while her vitals got better and better she still didn't show any signs of regaining her memory.

"And we're past the point where you call me Dr. Shepherd, April, " he told her as he grabbed her chart to update it.

"Okay," she simply replied.

"Everything seems just fine. I'll come back to check up on you again later."

As Derek made his way out of her room and down the hall he was stopped by Jackson who called after him.

"Is there anything else?" he questioned as the other man came to a halt in front of him.

"Actually there is," the plastic surgeon admitted as he pondered how to express himself "I was just wondering..." he cleared his throat before he straightened himself "Can we say yet if there's any process on her memory loss?"

Derek sighed, sympathy for him etched to his expression "You know that nobody knows how long it will take until she remembers anything."

"I know. I just … I've been telling her all kinds of things in the last three days and she doesn't seem to show any signs of recognition," he hated how defeated he sounded as he confessed that but he had never been a patient person and he was starting to lose hope.

"I understand that it's hard but..." Derek hesitated for moment trying to find a good way to tell him the following "... there is also the possibility that she won't regain her memory at all."

Jackson only nodded in response.

"But that's only a one of the possibilities and the chances of that happening are very low. We just have to keep on hoping," the older man continued before he clapped Jackson on the shoulder and continued to walk down the hall.

He knew that they had to keep on hoping but that was easier said than done.

* * *

"So Charles had to find a way to keep that nurse from telling Reed about his feelings for her," Jackson told April who despite the fact that she had her eyes closed listened to him. She had woken up seven days ago and yet she still didn't remember anyone or anything.

"His main problem was the fact that Reed came down the hallway that very moment," he continued retelling her the story from their second year of residency.

"And because he couldn't think of anything else he leaned down and kissed he nurse..."

"... and the two of them dated for three months until she broke up with hm by spilling a glass of Scotch over his head."

Jackson's head snapped up looking at April excitedly. She actually remembered something! He had almost given up hope completely by now but that was before she remembered how the story from their second year ended.

"You remember! That's great, April! I'll page Shepherd!" he was already walking towards the door when April stopped him.

"I don't, Jackson." he spun around to face her confused.

"But you just finished the story..." he mumbled trying to understand what she was saying.

"Because you told it already. Here," she showed him the page of her notebook where without a doubt the story stood in headwords.

"I can't believe this," he trailed off as his eyes skimmed over the page over and over.

"It's okay," April said softly clearly trying to comfort him but only causing him to get even madder.

"No, it's not okay, April! Nothing's okay!" he told her his voice louder and harsher than he intended it to be but he couldn't hold it back anymore.

"You can't remember anything and that's my fault!"

"How is this your fault?" she asked confused and slightly scared by his sudden outburst.

"If I hadn't been so stupid before … if I hadn't taken so long to realize how much you mean to me than you wouldn't have been in that car and in that accident and you would still remember your friends!"

He wasn't looking at her anymore instead pacing in front of her bed. "Jackson," she tried surprisingly calm but he didn't even seem to hear her.

"Jackson," she tried again this time a little bit louder causing him to stop and turn to face her.

"I must have really loved you if I got in this car to reach you even though there was a storm," she reasoned with him and the way she used past tense broke his heart a little bit more "And as I've been ´told I was very stubborn so there was no way of stopping me."

"It's not your fault," she reassured him as she held out a hand for him. He took it without hesitation sitting down on her bed. She looked down at their intertwined fingers and he just knew that there was something else that she wanted to tell him.

"April, what is it?" he asked as he gave her hand a slight squeeze.

"I..." she sighed before she took a deep breath. It was obviously hard for her to tell him what was on her mind but it had bothered her for a while now and seeing him like this … she simply had to say it "And if I loved you so deeply I clearly wouldn't have wanted to see you like this."

He tried to protest right away but she didn't give him a chance to as she continued "You're miserable and don't even try to deny it. I think it's for the best if you stopped visiting me for while."

"April," he almost whimpered but he didn't care if he sounded desperate right now. He couldn't believe what was happening right now.

"I know that you love me but I don't remember anything and you deserve better."

"April, stop. Your memory loss is only temporary..." he tried to interject but she didn't listen to him.

"We're both doctors, Jackson. You know just as well as I do that my memory may never return and it would be the best if you moved on."

Jackson simply starred at April who refused to look at him. It wasn't the first time that she left him speechless but this time definitely hurt the most. He didn't even know what to think, his mind was completely blank.

"I think it would be the best if you go now," she said her voice low and if she had looked up he would have seen the tears that were threatening to fall.

* * *

In a little bar in Seattle that was frequented by big parts of the staff of the hospital that was opposite from it a Pediatric surgeon found his best friend that night. The guy was hunched over and clearly drunk. Instead of giving him a lecture the other guy who had been called by the concerned bartender lifted his friend and brought him home. He knew better than to say anything because his best friend pretty much just lost the love of his life.

* * *

**I know I'm terrible but I promise you it can only get better from here on! It would be great if you could leave a review!**


	6. to move on

**This is deidcated to the wonderful Yara (queenkepner on here and on tumblr) whose birthday is today! HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I hope that you've had a wonderful day and that you've got a great year ahead of you! You've had the idea for this story in the first place and I really hope that you like this part!**

Like I've promised it's getting better but we'll take a look on Jackson's thoughts first! Enjoy!

******Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters mentioned. All the rights to them and Grey's Anatomy belong to shondaland and ABC. **

******I only know all the typos, errors and grammatical mistakes.**

* * *

Staying away from April was actually easier than anticipated and that was not because he didn't feel a burning ache in his every fiber to see her but because she left the hospital for a rehab center a bit outside of Portland.

It was logical for it be the next step in her treatment, at least he kept telling himself so. She needed a quiet environment so she could focus on regaining the ability to walk and honestly, that wasn't the case if she stayed at Grey Sloan Memorial for her rehab.

She had been transferred to the center the day after she told him to move on before he had the chance to say goodbye to her.

Arizona and the others had told him time and time again that that was probably for the better but that didn't change the fact that he still missed her terribly.

It had been almost a week since April left for Portland by now and it was driving him insane. Lately he had started to wake up in the middle of the night because he imagined all kinds of accident scenarios in his dreams. He began to have nightmares just like after the shooting. Much like back then his brain made up a different scenario every night since he never actually witnessed the accident, or Charles and Reed getting shot for that matter.

There was something different this time around though. Instead of making him scream on the top of his lunges and toss around in his bed, the nightmares left him paralyzed. He would wake up unable to move, his heart racing and his mind spinning. He would have to repeat "April's okay. She's alive." over and over until his brain finally processed that information.

Needless to say that he couldn't get a good night's sleep after that.

It wasn't much different at the hospital actually. Jackson was a shadow of his former self, wandering the halls of the hospital like a zombie. He threw himself into his work taking more cases than usual because it seemed as though the times he took care of his patients were the only moments he could pretend that all of this didn't happen.

The others didn't really bother to call him out on his self-destructing behavior. Not because they didn't care, he knew that they did, there was always someone who kept an eye on him some more discreet than others. They were just aware of the fact that he needed to deal with all this on his own to his conditions. And if that meant loading himself with work and barely sleeping they would let him.

For now at least.

Jackson was also well aware that the others kept in touch with April, especially Robbins. Even with the memory loss their friendship had blossomed fairly quickly. Arizona drove out to Portland almost every day since she had been through the process of relearning the ability to walk albeit under different circumstances herself. Derek also kept an close eye on April and her medical status although she was being treated by the doctors in the rehab center by now.

Just like him the others were mostly giving her some peace but of course, their situation and relationship to April would never be like his.

* * *

"Jackson, baby," he inwardly groaned as the quite powerful voice of Catherine Avery echoed through the hallway.

"Sweetheart how are you?", his mother asked him genuinely concerned as she walked up to him and took his face between her hands, "Don't even try telling me that you're okay," she added in a serious afterthought.

Honestly, he had expected her to show up in Seattle any day now. After all she got a lot of the information about whatever was going on in the hospital firsthand from Webber who was surprisingly one of the biggest gossips.

Jackson sighed as he let himself bask in his mother's warm vibrancy.

"I don't know," he admitted honestly closing his eyes briefly, "I don't know," he repeated exhausted.

"Come on," she took his hand pulling him into the conference room behind them.

"I'm sure that Webber already told you everything that happened," he mumbled as he plopped down on one of the chairs.

"Almost," she relented as she took a seat beside him taking his hand in hers again, "He didn't know why you aren't visiting your girl in rehab."

"She isn't 'my girl'," Jackson whispered defeated staring down on the table as though it would magically solve all the problems.

"What happened?"

He had never told anyone about what exactly went down between him and April the night before she left. Nobody had bothered to ask but he was sure that everybody knew something and together they had been able figure out why he wasn't visiting April.

"She told me not to visit her," he whispered. He wasn't sure why he shared all of this with his nosy mother out of all people... No, that wasn't true. He knew exactly why he trusted her. She was his mother and besides all the meddling, she always just wanted what was best for him or what she though was best for him.

"She told me to move on and I'm just respecting her wishes."

"And?", his mother asked curious.

"What? That's it. She's going through enough as it is and she doesn't need a guy that doesn't get the message on top of that," he defended himself and his choices.

His mother suddenly stood up, "You love her and you're just giving up that easily?"

"It's not that simple..."

"Oh yes it is!", his mother interrupted him, "You're an Avery. We don't give up on the things we love. We fight until the very end and we succeed. That's what we do."

* * *

Although the rather emphatic speech he got from his mother, Jackson decided not to visit April. What she had said might have been right for her and probably even his grandfather but he wasn't like that. He had always run, given up which was how they had ended up in this place. He had done enough damage as it was.

He continued his routine, only asking Arizona about who had been in rehab for two weeks now once.

He was doing another shift in the ER since it was the place where he was pretty much busy the whole time and therefore didn't have to think about April all that much.

He tied the strings of his trauma gown behind his back as he walked towards the ambulance that brought the incoming trauma.

He flinched a little bit as the paramedic who walked around the ambulance to open the door turned out to be Matthew. Somehow Jackson had managed to avoid Matthew since the wedding that didn't happen. The paramedic had chosen to give them privacy after the accident and got his information about April's condition secretly.

Jackson broke out of his initial shock when Hunt rushed to the patient followed by some interns. Nicole started to update them on the patient's condition while they pushed the gurney towards the entrance leaving Jackson behind who helplessly watched on as they disappeared into the hospital.

"Hey, uh," beside him Matthew who had also opted to stay outside instead of following the others and the patient cleared his throat, "How's April doing?"

Jackson turned around to the paramedic who faced the hospital clearly uncomfortable with the whole situation.

"I actually don't know," he admitted honestly causing the other man to whip around surprised.

"You don't?"

"I don't," he repeated, his voice painfully fragile.

"Why not?", Matthew asked obviously confused trying to figure out what happened. Sure, he had been hurt when April told him that she couldn't go through with the wedding because she loved someone else but over time he had realized that he should have seen it coming. April never really hid the fact that she still had feelings for the plastic surgeon, hell, she had admitted it when she proposed to him, but he had been desperately looking for a wife, someone to start a life with that he choose to ignore all of that. He pretended that she loved him enough to marry him so that he could keep on thinking that she was the one for him. Now he realized that it all had been one huge construct of lies build on ignoring and pretending. He felt guilty because he could have avoided all of this if he had been honest with himself.

Part of him was convinced that the accident had somehow been his fault and he really just wanted to make sure that April was doing fine. He had assumed that Avery would be able to give him that information.

"It's complic-," Jackson stopped in the middle of his sentence as he watched Matthew. Maybe it was because he was more tired than usual since he had barely slept the night before or because he was just exhausted in general and maybe because he was sure that part of Matthew still loved April but either way he decided to tell him the truth, "She asked me to move on. She couldn't- she can't remember me anymore and... you have no idea how hard it is to look at the woman you love while she can't remember you at all."

"And you just gave up?", Matthew asked incredulous.

"I didn't. I gave her what she wanted from me. That's not giving up! Why is everyone saying that", he tried to defend himself.

"Because it is!", the paramedic shot back. Jackson was taken back, he had never seen the nice and friendly guy act like that.

"Look, I'm probably not the best person to give you advice on this but I didn't let April go for you to give up on her as soon as it gets hard."

Jackson tried to interrupt the other man but he continued nevertheless, "Because that's what you doing. April loves you so much that she got in that car during that storm despite knowing the risks because she couldn't stand the idea of being away from you any longer. You don't throw something like that away because it gets hard. You fight for the one you love. And April deserves better than this, than you giving up on her and your love."

Jackson had no idea where all of this was coming from, he sure as hell didn't expect a speech like that from Matthew out of all people. But apparently the paramedic hid a lot behind that nice exterior. He wasn't sure how to respond to everything the other man just said to him.

Fortunately Nicole chose that moment to reappear. Matthew made his way back to the driver's door with a simple nod as departing gesture leaving Jackson alone with his thoughts.

* * *

"Hello," Jackson slightly leaned onto the front desk to gain the attention of the elderly nurse who was sitting behind it.

"How can I help you?", she asked slightly skeptical as she glanced up at him from behind her glasses which were perched on the tip if her nose.

"I'm here to see one of your patients," he told her his voice a bit unsure as he took in his surroundings. The lobby of the rehab center was bright and light-flooded. There were plants and couches strewn in the hall creating a friendly atmosphere.

After the things Matthew said to him Jackson hadn't been able to get them out of his head. In the end he had decided that the paramedic was right. Jackson might not believe that there was only one soulmate for everyone but he was sure that what he and April had was special and that he would be a fool to let something amazing like that pass him by.

He then noticed that the nurse kept starring at him with raised eyebrows, "Name?", she finally asked.

"Oh, right. Kepner, April Kepner," he fumbled suddenly getting very nervous at the thought of seeing April again after over two weeks.

"Are you family?", the nurse asked although she looked like she already knew the answer to that question.

"No,uh, look, it's complicated but I really, really need to see her.," he pleaded not caring that he sounded desperate.

The nurse didn't look too impressed and he was about to lose hope when she stood up and motioned him to follow her. They walked through the center until they reached a common room with a beautiful view of the adjacent garden. In front of the huge window front sat a woman in a wheelchair who was unmistakeably April.

His heart pounded in his ears as the nurse left them alone in the room. He took a few more steps into the room before he cleared his throat to get her attention. She spun around in one swift motion, obviously she had time to practice how to use the wheelchair.

"Jackson? What are you doing here? I told you to-"

"I know what you told me to do," he interrupted her. He needed to get everything out before he lost all the courage he had left, "I know that you want me to move on but I can't because I love you. And you love me too, you just don't remember it. But deep down there is a part of you who remembers me and what you felt and I'm not giving up everything we had up that easily. We managed to get through so much together already and we'll get through this as well, together. I love you and I'll fight for you."

* * *

In a rehab center a bit outside of Portland stood a nurse and watched two young people. She already had a long and eventful career behind her. She had met many patients and many loved ones. Because of that she had recognized the look that the young man hold in his eyes instantaneously. It was the look of love and although the young woman who had been her patient for two weeks might not know it yet she had it too.

* * *

**Thanks for reading! I hope that you liked it! **

**I hope that Matthew isn't too OOC in this one but I hate how they handle the stuation on the show so I decided to give him some depth in this story. **

**Please leave a review, I would love to hear what you think :)**


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